The Talk
by mischief manage
Summary: Harry has given The Talk only once before.It went horrible. Now he has to give The Tlk again and he hopes it doesn't turn up like the last time. This is a very humorous oneshot that everybody can enjoy. Hope you like it! Peace Out! Dh spoilers. Go HP!


"Mum! Dad! I got my Hogwarts letter!" An overexcited James leaped up into the air at 6:00 in the morning. He finally got his Hogwarts acceptance and his parents NEEDED to know.

James ran into his parents' room and immediately started jumping on his parent's bed still screaming "Mum! Dad!" and clutching the letter.

"Wh-wai-wha?"

Harry sat straight up and accidentally pushed Ginny off the bed. Harry relaxed a little when he realized it was just James but Ginny, on the other hand, didn't look to happy.

James didn't notice his mother's fatal attempts to get back on the bed or the fact it was only 6:00 in the morning. He immediately just started screaming out loud for London to hear "I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO HOGWARTS!"

Ginny calmed down a bit but Harry looked a little uneasy.

During breakfast when the whole family was congratulating James, Harry just hung back a little sweating in worrying too much.

It wasn't like he wasn't happy for James because he was the proudest he's ever been. It was only the fact that he would have to talk to James about something he's had to do once before…he had to give James "The Talk"

Since Teddy was fatherless, it was Harry's job to give Teddy "The Talk" when he got his acceptance to Hogwarts.

Harry, who was also fatherless, never had to go through this as a child so he had no clue what to say to Teddy then.

Harry did his best to talk to Teddy but it didn't turn out so well. Let's just say Harry doubted Teddy would ever look at Victoire the same way again.

Harry shuddered at the thought of what happened last time he had to do this. Between you and me, I wouldn't blame him.

-

_Flashback_

"…_and that, Teddy is how babies are made, like-er-you." Harry finished lamely. Harry was afraid to look at Teddy straight in the eye. When he finally did, however, it wasn't pretty._

_Teddy was shaking as if he just swallowed a thousand ice cubes. His lips turned a very nasty shade of blue and his hair turned a mousy brown. He ended up in feeble position for a half an hour saying phrases like, "This is just a dream, and this is just a dream." Or "That is worse than seeing Uncle Ron and Hermione kiss…much much worse."_

_Harry did no, I repeat did not know what to do. He didn't expect this and he didn't know he would give Teddy such mental images._

"_Uncle George needs a—Oh my Merlin Teddy what happened?"_

_Victoire came in the room and Teddy literally jumped about 15 feet in the air. Victoire, being his best friend, tried to see what was wrong with him which just made him walk farther back until he reached a wall._

"_Teddy, what happened?" Victoire looked uneasily at her friend as if he was an angry hippogriff. _

_Teddy, at this point lost all control and pushed Victoire out of the way, ran to the fireplace, and without looking back threw floo powder into the fireplace and screamed "Anywhere but here." And disappeared._

_It turns out, the place "Anywhere but here." Was an actual teenage club in America so, you could put the pieces together from here._

_End of flashback_

-

Harry did not want to recount the days that followed that day. Andromeda wouldn't look at him for weeks.

Harry was knocked out of his thoughts when Ginny whispered into his ear, "It's time, good luck." And left the room with Albus and Lily behind her.

James looked up at Harry for a few seconds before he said, "Mum said you wanted to talk to me."

Harry was about 10 seconds away to going to America too but decided against it.

"You might want to sit down James." Was all that came out of Harry's mouth.

Harry and James just sat there staring at each other for a few minutes before Harry started, "James, do you know that girl that lives across the street from us? I'm sure her name is Shannon."

"I kinda know her. She's the one who always looks at me in a funny way. It's really creepy."

"Do you know why she looks at you that way?" When James shook his head Harry said "She looks at you in a funny way because she likes you."

"Ewww she likes me? That's si-"But with a glare he learned from his wife, Harry was able to interrupt James.

"She likes you the way your mom likes me, and Aunt Hermione likes Uncle Ron."

James just sat there nodding his head as Harry continued.

"See James, when a girl and a boy like each other, they get married and have a kid." Harry was starting to sweat a bit but nevertheless continued.

"Haven't you ever wondered how babies are formed?" James thought for a moment before replying, "I asked Uncle Ron and he said that we go to St Mungos hospital where they have a big box of children. Then they give one to the Mom and she screams because of screams of joy."

Harry smacked his forehead and made a mental note to murder Ron later. (Not really though)

"James, I'm glad you listen to Uncle Ron but the truth is…"

So here Harry began about the things that make a baby. He told of puberty and emotions and well…that other stuff that is too awkward to read. He old about the kissing and the why it hurts and described different body parts.

"… and that is how babies are made." Harry squeaked a bit on that last part. This time he made eye contact the second he ended and prepared himself for the worst.

James looked like he had a bad case of twitching. He seemed to have a tick in his eye has he twitched for a bit. Once he started staring at Harry again, he screwed up his facial expression until he screamed, "THAT IS DISGUSTING. THAT MEANS YOU AND MOM DID THAT, WHATEVER YOU CALLED IT!"

James jumped from his chair and tripped. Before Harry could do anything to help him up he got back on his feet and ran to the guest rooms where Ron and Hermione were staying.

Harry jumped from his own feet and followed. When he reached Ron and Hermione's room he was hit by a screaming James who was pelting out of the room. James was screaming "EWWWWWWW!"

Harry looked into the room to see Ron and Hermione whose hands were wrapped around each other and were probably just kissing. Harry said in a frustrated voice "Can't you hold it in for at least a day?" and followed Teddy again.

Teddy was now outside in the backyard where Teddy and Victoire were holding hands on the swings. James looked like he was about to puke and ran screaming back into the house.

James usually likes Teddy a lot so James's reaction to seeing Teddy came as a shock to him. Teddy looked at Harry and asked "What's going on?"

Harry only had to look at Teddy for Teddy to understand. He stood straight up knocking Victoire out of the swing.

"We have to find him before he ends up in Timbuktu." Was all that Teddy said to an angry and surprised Victoire and ran inside after James followed by Harry.

Harry finally found the spot where James was hiding. James was hiding inside Albus's room. Teddy was banging on the door trying to get inside with James shouting "No! NO! NOOOOOO! I'm safe here because I know Albus will never get a girlfriend."

Albus's voice was heard saying "Hey! At least I'm not the one twitching."

After 15 minutes, Teddy and Harry gave up. They tried every spell and charm possible to open the door but since Harry put so much protection on it for his family's safety, he couldn't get in.

Ginny came through the hall and used magic to send in a plate of food inside.

"No use fighting a lost cause." Was all she said smiling at the humor of the situation.

Teddy went back to Victoire while Ginny whispered in Harry's ear saying, "At least we don't have to send a search party to America." And kissed Harry on the lips really quickly.

James, who was probably listening with extendable ears said "Stop kissing please." And Harry just smiled and said,

"Only one more boy to go."

**A/N Hope you liked it. I was watching a Full House episode when this idea came to me so, yah. The Even though it might seem a little far fetched for kids to react this way, it isn't. My friend will never look at a lion again. (Don't ask) I left out the part where it REALLY explains stuff because it might seem a bit awkward so I just left6 it out. If you actually wanted to read that stuff than…you have an imagination, you can fill in that part yourself. Peace Out!**


End file.
